For all of you chivalrous men who think your woman doesn’t do enough for you, I’m here to bounce on your bubble, if not blow it out of the water. I’m about to have a heart-to-heart with you that your significant other may not have the gonads (not that she would) to tell you herself, because she may not want to admit she’s in the majority. I’m going to tell you the secrets of what happens behind those doors!
Your woman may not admit she has facial hair because “real women” don’t have facial hair! WRONG! If women didn’t grow facial hair, the hair removal companies and contraptions wouldn’t need to be in business–and would certainly go out of business eventually! When a woman goes to get her nails done, it shouldn’t take longer than an hour. If it does, she’s getting her lip waxed too. If she uses a device that removes hair herself, like an epilady, you should be particularly proud because this woman really likes you! Have you ever used tweezers to pull out nose hair that’s a bit too long? Well, that’s one hair! Imagine if you left a spot on your chin and pulled them from the root, ten at a time! Your woman loves you! (Don’t be fooled that the tweezers are 24-karat gold… if the tweezers were diamond, they’d still hurt!) And even still, when women shave their legs they cover 4x the area of a man’s face, unless they shave the really senstive areas and I’m not even going to talk about the pain of knicking there except to say that a dab of tissue won’t work the same.
Did someone say make-up? How many times do you think a woman applies her make-up in a day? Sure, I get it–you shave! Big deal? To shave takes all of fifteen minutes and you do it once a day? Make-up typically lasts about 4 hours before it needs to be reapplied. Seriously, the way men’s feet stink by the end of the day–you really have the nerve to think women don’t sweat when their face is suffocated under a thin-coating of oil and artificial lashes? Think again! And after it’s applied three times in a day, removing it takes another ten minutes to wash their face so it doesn’t ruin the pillowcase and get in their eyes. Trust me when I tell you if she sleeps in her make-up, she’ll wake up even uglier than if she went to bed cleaned up.
What about bras and panties? Do you really think women would wear bras if there were not men oggling over their breasts everywhere they went? They’re not fun to put on or take off, especially when sunburned or when they get that irritating heat rash! Finding the perfect bra that will make them perky without crushing them is a big job! And panties? Those t-backs and g-strings… don’t let them fool you. It isn’t because they enjoy a thin cord of nylon rubbing up and down the crack of their butt causing calluses–oh, no! It’s so there are no panty lines to be seen, taking away the shapeliness of their buttocks in case someone watches them walk away (which we count on)!
Let’s talk about getting them getting their nails done. To have a whole set done or redone is a minimum of an hour, and at least twenty minutes for a fill and paint, not counting the five minutes of drying. You know how you take your car to get detailed and check the wheel wells for wax removal and all that? Sort of the same thing for a woman, about every three weeks with her nails. Sure, they all sit and talk like a bunch of hens and if you think restroom conversation is hot, sit in a salon to hear the real grub! It’s like seeing a shrink without the psychological schooling! Psychiatrists nod their heads and say, “go on” and cosmotologists actually give advice! In fact, quite often the whole salon will be giving her advice on what to do the next time her man doesn’t appreciate her. It’s not often you’ll hear politics of the nation there, but politics of the home? You bet!
Perms and hair coloring are another way you can tell your woman loves you. She wants to appear young, vivacious and alluring. That isn’t easy to do with hair is curly in spots and gray! I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. They spend at least an hour, once a month, rectifying this issue. Usually in a salon with foil poking out all over their head after having someone else paint their hair with a substance that can make your eyes water! Sometimes it itches, sometimes it burns, and every once in a while the hair ends up the wrong color because someone was busy talking instead of paying attention to what they were adding when they mixed it. What to do now? Sure, having a fit crosses your woman’s mind, but is that really going to fix her hair?
Now let’s talk about the clothes she wears to be ever-so-sexy! I know, you’d be happier if we just forgot the clothes altogether! But it’s one of those things that we need to deal with, and you really ought to know. When you take your lady out for dinner and she’s wearing a hot new dress that she “just threw on,” she’s totally lying! She went to the mall with her friends, shopped at twelve stores trying on armloads of dresses while her friends dashed madly from the dressing room to the floors with new things they found, trying to find the perfect dress that you would appreciate! When she found the right dress, the girls would stop at the food court, grab a bite and spend the next three hours looking for the perfect shoes, purse, perfume, hair accessories and jewelry to match the turquoise and purple outfit.
When she finally gets home from the mall, and is separated from her friends, she looks at the receipt and cries. How could she have spent so much money in one day? She did it in the name of love. She’s not going to be looking at herself and getting turned on (unless she’s a really special girl, and then she probably wouldn’t need you). She did it in the name of “love.” So with all this in mind, is it really too much to ask for a bouquet of roses and taking her to a restaurant she likes? And while you’re at it, throw in something a little sexy for her to wear at night.